why i feel like j. alfred prufrock

its very hard to believe that two years has passed since i have written in this little part of cyberspace.

in those two years, i have hardly had the wherewithall to read these words. it was too sad for me to go back in time and only have memories. today, exactly two years since my departure from my beloved taiwan, i decided to take a little trip down memory lane. sitting in a restaurant, alone (which i never do), i sat and read every single post, closed my eyes, and just drifted in and out of time. what a trip it was! my face was soaked with tears by the time i had finished, but i was also smiling. every memory came back so clear, as though it had all happened yesterday. as if it had only happened five minutes ago, one minute ago...as if i had been narrating what was happening during the very moments in time that i was reading. i was so full of happiness and nostalgia that i could have absolutely split in two. it was a very therapeutic thing to have done, but it also pulled out a sadness in me that, no matter how hard i try, i will never get rid of. it will never be 2009 again, i'll never again be 22, that particular time of my life is over.

the past two years of my life since coming back from taiwan have been a whirlwind (where have they gone?!) but they have also seemed to drag along like molasses coming out of a mason jar (has it seriously only been TWO YEARS). i adjusted relatively well at first: i was so happy to be able to go salsa dancing whenever i wanted, i could go to target 2034832948 times a day if i felt like it, i could sit in the same room with my little sisters, i could watch television with my parents, my friends were only a car ride away rather than a plane trip. i fell right back into the routine of my job, driving everywhere, paying rent in us dollars, etc. things were so normal that it actually kind of scared me. the adventure was gone. still kind of is. i have scarely been able to find the time or the willpower to write much of anything in the past couple of years...for lack of desire, obviously, but also because of fear. i had nothing to write about! the words couldn't be found! i sounded like a kindergartener! i'm too busy to write! too happy! too sad! I HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT!!

for someone who considers herself to be a writer, this has been a torturous two years. i went through a henious ending of a relationship that silenced a part of me. i got bogged down with my job and the need to be perfect at it. i tried to spend more time with friends and family. but for someone whose soul is completed through her writing, two years of not writing (for whatever reason) leaves her...well...soul-less. i have often found myself thinking, "wow, that would make a great story" but never letting it out of my head onto paper, or starting a poem only to crumple it up and throw it away, disgusted with it. the truth is, i can lie all day long and say that my inability to write comes from so many things, but if i am honest, its because of fear. a deep, dark, scary fear that my life isn't exciting anymore and doesn't warrant being written about like it used to.

all summer long, i sit around and read (one of the many perks of my job). because i am a huge nerd, i have gone through each book on my (huge) bookshelf about 10 times; the one i never get tired of is my ratty old eliot anthology. i never can seem to read his stuff the same way twice, and that's what i love about it! my all time favorite is "the love song of j. alfred prufrock" (if you've never read it, get thee to a barnes and noble and please do so. its great...but i digress). anyway, j. alfred is basically like me. he is afraid of himself, afraid of letting himself let life escape him. he is frustrated with losing the essence of what life is: he "measures out his life in coffee spoons" and rolls up the bottoms of his trousers because he fears that he is old. i'll spare you my english-teacher-esque analysis of the poem itself, but suffice it to say that eliot somehow went into the future and wrote so much of that from what i seem to be feeling right now. maybe i'm the only person who sits around on a saturday afternoon reading eliot anthologies for fun and maybe that's part of my problem...but i look back to blog entries from two years ago and see the same sentiment. my biggest fear is to look back when i am truly old, about to leave this life for the next, and wonder "where the time has gone?! and what exactly do i have to show for it?" when reflecting on the past two years, i'm afraid the respective answers to those questions are "i'm not really sure" and "not much."

my fear seems to have gotten the best of me. for the majority of my life, i have written every single day. stories, poems, narratives, whatever would leave my head and go onto paper. meant for an audience, written only to be smiled at by me and then thrown away. when i was in taiwan, i never had any shortage of topics about which i could write. even things as banal and mundane as what i had for lunch or what the weather was like or what came on tv seemed interesting, like i should write them down, like i should share them with whoever wanted to read them. now, back here, they seem almost embarrasing. "who cares if my favorite tv show got cancelled? who cares if they are bulldozing my street to put in a new sewer system? i don't even care about any of that stuff!" the truth is, i think eliot wrote prufrock into existence to serve as a warning to us. sometimes, banal is exciting. life is what is it made to be. even though i'm not wrangling live squid for dinner anymore, or getting lost on trains, or haggling in chinese markets or looking into the sunset from the top of the world's tallest building or shopping in 7-11 every two seconds, i am still alive! i am still living! and life is still exciting! i think i have spent the last two years learning and becoming okay with this fact. look at me, i'm even writing about it! who knew.

culture shock is hard and, like mrsa or the chicken pox, once it has entered your system, it never goes away. i still feel it everyday. i get so frustrated when no one understands a joke i tell about taiwan, or when a word refuses to come out of my mouth in any language except chinese, or when its my turn to dj a car trip and the only music on my ipod is chinese pop and no one wants to listen to it. it makes me sad to walk into a 7-11 in america and not hear the open-chan theme song, or to buy a ticket to the movies and not have an assigned seat. it reallllly makes me mad that i can't hop on a subway and go visit my friends in other cities. but...i'm happy that i can hug my mother when i want to or call my sisters on the phone and they are in the same time zone; i can communicate 100% with everyone and (not much) is lost in translation. there are THREE targets in my city :) i can salsa dance every hour of every day if i want (and i usually do). the last two years have really reinforced everything that i learned in taiwan: all of life is a give-and-take and really, no matter where you are or what language you're speaking or what you're eating for dinner, there will be good and bad. you'll always be missing something, someone, some time in your life. and THAT IS OKAY. its ok.

take a deep breath, it is okay.

so, here i am again...soul in tow. dumping all my thoughts out, either onto a real paper or into my little corner of cyberspace, makes me feel like me again. life is still interesting, exciting, and desperate to be lived...just in different ways than before, and in different ways than it will be in two more years. like most of life's more meaningful lessons, it was long and painful, but well worth it.

"and indeed there will be time
for the tellow smoke that slides along the street
rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
there will be a time, there will be a time
to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
there will be a time to murder and create
and time for all the works and days of hands
that life and drop a question on your plate;
time for you and time for me,
and time yet for a hundred indecisions,
and for visions and revisions,
before the taking of a toast and tea."
-from the love song of j. alfred prufrock

they say time passes, but it is not so-
in truth, time stays, love,
it is we who go

across the universe, again

i love the beatles. everyone knows that. 'across the universe' is one of my all time favorite songs that they sing because i love the lyrics so much. they are the title of my blog: 'nothings gonna change my world...nothings gonna change my world.' however, sitting here in my empty apartment on my last night in hsinchu- cable disconnected, refrigerator cleaned out, floor swept and mopped for the first time since 2009, posters off the wall- i realize that those lyrics are a bit of a misnomer.

my world has been completely changed. ripped open, shaken around, painted a different color, turned on its side, and then again just for good measure. its all been for the better, though. taiwan has taught me so many things. i often found it funny that i came to taiwan to be a teacher, when really, i was usually the student. apart from the things that i did "learn," such as how to speak chinese to teach children who weren't in high school, i learned how to be an adult: to pay bills (on time!), to fix my own plumbing to save money (i will likely never stop being so proud of that and mentioning it every chance i get), to cook my own dinner every night, to wake my own self up and go to work every morning, that my paycheck wasn't limitless, and credit cards are real money too...i learned how to ride the train to the right station, to stand up for what was right, i learned how to be alone and be ok with it, i learned how to operate and function outside of myself in another culture. i learned who i really am, and how to trust myself, to depend on myself. i learned to hold on. i learned to let go.

i am so thankful for every single second i spent on this island. all the friends i made, the nights that ended up being mornings, the experiences i had, the havoc i wreaked, the MASSIVE (at times too massive) amounts of fun i had, the...'exotic' food i ate, my job, the places i travelled, the things i saw...even though every single second wasn't exactly thrilling, i am even thankful for the bad times. i am completely the same girl who blindly decided to come to a country she knew nothing about and teach, still the same crazy girl...but i am also completely different. even though i am slightly afraid that all the adventure will be gone out of my life when i get home, if i have learned anything AT ALL from this past year, its that anything at all...anything...is what you make it. i am most thankful for finally having learned this fact.

now that its time to head back across the universe, i can say that i'm ready, but only in the sense that i guess i will never be ready. goodbyes, no matter how many times you have to say them, never get easier for me. in fact, they seem to get harder and harder the more i have to say them. i was once told that the hardest beginnings come with the hardest endings. for me, i think this is true. the words for goodbye in chinese, 再見, literally translate to "see again." so taiwan, i'd rather say it to you in chinese (only feels right in chinese anyway)...

so... 台灣,再見!

about a month after my arrival to taiwan, i broke down. it was so hard to drag myself out of bed and go to work everyday; when i came home, i just wanted to sit in the dark and cry. i couldn't speak chinese, i was so homesick, i couldn't eat because chopsticks felt so awkward in my hand, i couldn't deal with the heat. i just wanted to go home. frantically one night, i called a good friend on skype and cried and cried, probably for hours, regretting my decision to come, wondering what i was thinking, doubting if i could last even another second in taiwan, let alone the 11 months i saw staring me down. "i hate taiwan," i remember sobbing. she laughed, oddly, and said "i know. but, by the time july rolls around again, you will be so sad still that you won't be able to stand it. but, it will be a different sadness. think of how good it will be to stand at the end and say 'i did it, and i liked it.'" i remember at the time thinking she was nuts, and it was easy for her to say that, sitting safely in america, eating with her forks and knives. but...she was right.

i came to taiwan for many reasons, some of them trivial and out of panic, some of them out of desperation, some out of fear, adventure, restlessness...but there were some legitimate reasons as well. i wanted to push myself, i wanted to grow up, i wanted to learn who i was. mostly, however, i just wanted to prove that i could. even now i think people still doubt me, still doubt that i made it. i felt like everyone doubted me in the beginning. as much as that hurt, it was often what pushed me to keep going. to be honest, i wasn't even sure i had it in me, but...i did. not only did i live to tell about all this, i enjoyed (most of) it. i accomplished all that i set out to. more. i am eternally greatful for my time here, every single second: even the darkest moments of homesickness, the times i am not proud of. i have grown so much, learned to trust myself, learned to depend on myself, learned that its ok to make a mistake as long as you can learn from it. i've learned that its ok to miss things. mostly though, i've learned that just in the moment you think you can't walk another step, you somehow magically start to run.

all that being said, here are the top 10 moments of taiwan!!
1. meeting van fan 20342830493284 times
2. hualien trip with mary, kristen, flea and reyes/christmas in kenting!
3. completeing my first year of teaching!
4. renting my first flat, paying my first bills, etc
5. learning to speak chinese
6. learning how to ride a subway/train
7. making friends i will never forget :)
8. fixing my own plumbing in the bathroom
9. visits from foreign friends: jennifer, rachel, fuyu, rika, tadao, orange, tomomi, jonathan, becca!
10. learning to eat with chopsticks, and quite well if i do say so myself.

i can't stop from tearing up when i imagine myself sitting in america. i will miss taiwan so very much, and i don't really know how i will be able to say goodbye. a year is a long time to spend in a place; you begin to become a part of it, it begins to become a part of you. i will miss hopping on a motorcycle and dangling my feet off the edge, i will miss chasing van fan, i will miss taking the subway and the train, i will miss using chopsticks, i will miss speaking chinese, being called by my chinese name, being stared at because i am foreign, being asked about "my country," haggling in chinese in markets, i will miss the food, i will miss 7-11, i will miss my friends. however, i think i have accomplished what i set out to. i have taken everything taiwan has had to give me, and i hope i have given back enough. alot of things changed for me at once when i came here, and i had to endure many obstacles along the way, but in the end, i am standing here, smiling, with nothing but fond memories.

親愛的台灣，謝謝你~我愛你...再見!!

what was i thinking, deciding to leave taiwan and go home....

....i'm getting cold feet

..................

my life lately has been so full of packing and paperwork that i haven't really had time to do much else, and even if i wanted to, its TOO HOT TO GO OUTSIDE. meh~ i did celebrate the one year anniversary of coming to taiwan, which was super exciting!!!! there were times in the beginning when i didn't think i could ever make it to one year. but i did, and what a year it has been :)

once i get packed, i promise to write a proper entry, i have many things to say. but first, i have to somehow shove all the stuff i have accumulated into 2 bags which weigh under 23 kilos each, and that is going to require nothing less than a miracle.

this weekend, i saw toy story 3 (in english! yaaaay!) and...if you haven't seen it yet, RUN, don't walk, to the nearest theater!! i laughed, i cried, i looked like an idiot in those 3d glasses...but it was so good. best film i've seen in awhile.

also, this wknd started the first round of the goodbyes. i said goodbye to my friend mary, one of the first friends i made in taiwan. we have wreaked a lot of havoc on taiwan together: chasing van fan, crying until we laughed, laughing until we cried, climbing on things we weren't supposed to climb on, playing charades with many a waiter, learning and performing korean dances, movie nights, hualien, kenting...man. i couldn't have made it without you mary! i'm so so happy to have met you in taiwan and shared this mad adventure with you. thanks for everything. i miss you already!!! see you on the other side!!!! :)

i was talking with a friend this wknd also about the film 'into the wild.' if you don't know, here is the basic plot: a guy goes off, by himself, to find the meaning of life and ends up deciding that happiness is only happiness if it is shared. i've been thinking about that so much lately, it really stuck with me. i came to taiwan completely alone, and i admittedly spent a lot of time alone. i did it on purpose though. i grew up in a housefull of sisters, went to uni and lived in the i-house and was, by default, always surrounded by people. i had never really been alone or done anything alone, ever. i remember the first time i ever took a trip by myself in taiwan. i was so nervous, and was depressed for most of it; i kept seeing funny stuff and wanted to turn to someone and comment on it, or i needed someone to help me carry something, or just wanted someone to talk to while sitting on the train. i did enjoy the trip, and i was proud of myself for doing it alone, but...in the end, happiness is only happiness if you have someone to share it with. however! i can say with conviction that i have learned how to be comfortable alone. before i came to taiwan, i felt uneasy and nervous and sad if i was by myself. i couldn't do anything alone, i literally did not know how. i had to have someone with me. i have spent the past year learning how to enjoy being alone. i will be happy to get back into my old habits of having roommates and my family and friends always around, but i am thankful for the time i got to spend learning how to be friends with myself. i think its something everyone should do.

side note: i will make no bones about my love for nietzsche. i was recently thumbing through one of his books in an english bookstore and found something i thought was interesting: "and if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee." i think this can mean many things depending on how you interpret it; it could be positive or negative, but its just something to think about. love him or hate him, nietzsche always forces you to think about things.