about a month after my arrival to taiwan, i broke down. it was so hard to drag myself out of bed and go to work everyday; when i came home, i just wanted to sit in the dark and cry. i couldn't speak chinese, i was so homesick, i couldn't eat because chopsticks felt so awkward in my hand, i couldn't deal with the heat. i just wanted to go home. frantically one night, i called a good friend on skype and cried and cried, probably for hours, regretting my decision to come, wondering what i was thinking, doubting if i could last even another second in taiwan, let alone the 11 months i saw staring me down. "i hate taiwan," i remember sobbing. she laughed, oddly, and said "i know. but, by the time july rolls around again, you will be so sad still that you won't be able to stand it. but, it will be a different sadness. think of how good it will be to stand at the end and say 'i did it, and i liked it.'" i remember at the time thinking she was nuts, and it was easy for her to say that, sitting safely in america, eating with her forks and knives. but...she was right.

i came to taiwan for many reasons, some of them trivial and out of panic, some of them out of desperation, some out of fear, adventure, restlessness...but there were some legitimate reasons as well. i wanted to push myself, i wanted to grow up, i wanted to learn who i was. mostly, however, i just wanted to prove that i could. even now i think people still doubt me, still doubt that i made it. i felt like everyone doubted me in the beginning. as much as that hurt, it was often what pushed me to keep going. to be honest, i wasn't even sure i had it in me, but...i did. not only did i live to tell about all this, i enjoyed (most of) it. i accomplished all that i set out to. more. i am eternally greatful for my time here, every single second: even the darkest moments of homesickness, the times i am not proud of. i have grown so much, learned to trust myself, learned to depend on myself, learned that its ok to make a mistake as long as you can learn from it. i've learned that its ok to miss things. mostly though, i've learned that just in the moment you think you can't walk another step, you somehow magically start to run.

all that being said, here are the top 10 moments of taiwan!!
1. meeting van fan 20342830493284 times
2. hualien trip with mary, kristen, flea and reyes/christmas in kenting!
3. completeing my first year of teaching!
4. renting my first flat, paying my first bills, etc
5. learning to speak chinese
6. learning how to ride a subway/train
7. making friends i will never forget :)
8. fixing my own plumbing in the bathroom
9. visits from foreign friends: jennifer, rachel, fuyu, rika, tadao, orange, tomomi, jonathan, becca!
10. learning to eat with chopsticks, and quite well if i do say so myself.

i can't stop from tearing up when i imagine myself sitting in america. i will miss taiwan so very much, and i don't really know how i will be able to say goodbye. a year is a long time to spend in a place; you begin to become a part of it, it begins to become a part of you. i will miss hopping on a motorcycle and dangling my feet off the edge, i will miss chasing van fan, i will miss taking the subway and the train, i will miss using chopsticks, i will miss speaking chinese, being called by my chinese name, being stared at because i am foreign, being asked about "my country," haggling in chinese in markets, i will miss the food, i will miss 7-11, i will miss my friends. however, i think i have accomplished what i set out to. i have taken everything taiwan has had to give me, and i hope i have given back enough. alot of things changed for me at once when i came here, and i had to endure many obstacles along the way, but in the end, i am standing here, smiling, with nothing but fond memories.

親愛的台灣，謝謝你~我愛你...再見!!