many things.

i hate that everything i write lately is a "oh i'm so pitiful because i can't make up my mind blah blah" but that's how i feel, so that's what i write. and i'm feeling a lot of it now, so this is going to be a long one.

i have spent 7 1/2 months living in taiwan. i came here completely alone, scared out of my mind, more excited than i have ever been about anything, confused, and feeling the most extreme happiness and sadness i have ever felt. i was still trying to comprehend the fact that i had graduated university and that "life" was now starting; i wasn't allowed to run around screaming or wear pajamas in public or go to steak and shake at 3am anymore because i was now considered an adult. best way to circumnavigate these circumstances? move to taiwan, of course. i can now, looking back, admit that it was a slap decision to make, that i didn't at all think it through or completely realise what it was i was doing. maybe if i can even be adult enough to admit it to myself and everyone else, i came for the wrong reasons. those reasons don't matter anymore of course, they stopped mattering long ago~ i remember sitting on the plane from nyc to seoul and literally pinching myself to see if it was really me who was sitting on that plane, if it was really me who had made the decision, if it was really all happening. i remember my hands shaking so badly out of fear that i couldn't even write in my journal. i also remember turning on my ipod, looking out the window at the most beautiful sunrise i have ever seen and having a feeling of peace come over me unlike anything i've ever felt.

regardless of the reasons why i chose to leave america at all or to come to taiwan specifically, i am here now. admittedly, these past seven months have contained some of the worst times in my life. it isn't easy for me to admit when life isn't good for me. i don't know why, but i've always been this way. i don't like to tell people when things aren't 100% wonderful. there were times in my first few months here when i just sat in my house and cried because i was so confused, and homesick, and lonely and i felt so out of place here. i was constantly reminded (everytime i stepped out the door!) of how different i was from everyone here and how i couldn't speak chinese and everyone else could and how i was going to starve to death because i couldn't use chopsticks and i was going to die because it was 150 degrees, etc etc. then time kept bringing me so many horrible things: the death of my uncle, my dad getting sick, two deaths in the i-family, another death of a childhood friend...all these things are hard to deal with at any time and for any reason, but they are debilitatingly hard to deal with when you are a million miles away and feel so helpless and alone. i remember getting the news of my dad and heading up the steps in my apartment, opening up my closet, and beginning to pack my clothes to go home. i can't say exactly what it was that stopped me from actually pushing the "buy" button on the expedia page when i was looking at plane tickets home that night, but i eventually unpacked my bags took a deep breath. i was reminded of the first week i was here, when i met up with some friends from uncg in taipei and went to a night market one night. sitting on the steps of a temple with a friend, i remember my eyes filling up with tears as he told me that the best advice he could give me was just to "keep going, no matter what you're feeling." i felt that sense of calm again, and i knew that everything would turn out. i have felt some of the saddest sadnesses of my life in taiwan.

however! the past seven and a half months have been filled with some of the most incredible happinesses, some amounts of happiness that i wasn't even aware existed. when i look back at the girl who came here in july, she isn't the same one who is writing these things now. i have come so far. i have accomplished so much! i have met so many wonderful people here, and i will never be able to forget or repay the kindness i have been shown by everyone i have met. i am always amazed at the innerworkings of the world when i am in taiwan: i can wake up feeling like a giant sack of garbage, then walk outside to the sight of beautiful mountains and on my way to work, pass the park full of laughing children and happy mothers who are watching them play. i can be standing in the middle of the train station, completely lost with not a clue where i'm going or how to get there, and then someone will strike up a conversation with me, and lo and behold, we are heading for the same place. i have learned so much about myself in this time: the things that are important to me, the things that aren't. i have seen some of the most beautiful natural scenes of my life, walked through amazing cities, learned to eat...interesting...foods, learned another language (still trying to, anyway), met friends i wasn't sure i'd ever see again, and even seen van fan in concert! i have fallen in love with taiwan and its people, its cultures and customs, its food, its mountains and beaches...the sunshine, the rain. i love this place, i love my life here, i love my job and my coworkers and my friends and my apartment~

i love that everything here is an adventure. i love that i often have no idea where i will end up when i get on the train. i love not always being sure what i'm going to be eating for dinner when i order it. i love being foreign. i love translating for tourists. (i love mocking tourists). i love that i am always exploring new places. i love that people are interested in my culture and language. i love hearing the phrase "what's your chinese name?" i love that in taiwan i only have to answer to myself. i love night markets. i love the shock on people's faces if i speak to them in chinese. i love depending only on myself while simultaneoulsy having to depend only on the kindess of strangers. i love that everything is fun. i love drinking zhen zhu nai cha (bubble tea) until i'm sick. i love that i appreciate things more when i'm here. i don't like constantly being stared at. i don't like being treated like i'm stupid because i'm foreign. i don't like having to be translated for. i don't like not knowing what i'm eating sometimes. i don't like frightening children because i'm white. i don't like not living within driving distance of my family. i don't like having to plan visits with my american friends. i don't like not being able to go salsa dancing every weekend! i hate having people ask me "do you want me to buy your train ticket for you" or "how can you do x or y thing" as if i am incapable of anything i try to do, as if being foreign somehow takes away any sense i used to have or may still have if i was in my home country. i hate being handed forks in restaurants because i'm white (everyone knows white people can't use chopsticks, right?)

i was kind of expecting to come to taiwan for the year i had signed up for and then go home and be done with it. actually i'm not sure what i was expecting to do, or what i was expecting to happen...but i don't think i ever expected to be losing sleep over the decision that i have to make now. when i think of going home in july, i get very excited. seeing my family and friends again, working in a high school, feeling "permanent," being able to be fully understood and understand fully when communicating, not being stared at (hopefully :), being able to eat the food i miss so much!, having my car back, and then of course banal little things like shopping at bath and body works, not getting disapproving stares when wearing flip flops in public, diversity, going to artistika with the usual crowd :), and just the feeling of "being home." however, when i think of staying in taiwan another year, i also get very excited. getting to learn even more chinese (hey, maybe i can even become literate ;), getting to travel more both within taiwan and outside, staying in my job, maybe buying a motorcycle (the only way anyone who's anyone travels here ;), learning more about this culture, seeing jay chou and boc in concert, perhaps?, meeting new people, etc.

i am literally standing at the proverbial fork in the road, and i am afraid of making the proverbial wrong decision. what if i leave taiwan and miss out on something amazing here? what if i decide to go home and i don't get a job? what exactly would it be that i was going home to, anyway? i have no idea how to be an adult in america! ah! i realised last week that taiwan is no longer a foreign country to me anymore. what does this mean? what's going to happen to me if i try to pop back up in america in july? what if i stay in taiwan and i miss out on something important in america? i feel like i am missing out on so many important things there. i feel so out of touch with my culture and kind of out of touch with myself. i mean, i of course have to be a different person when i'm in taiwan. i catch myself being quiet on trains, wearing a lot of khaki, and i don't sing or laugh nearly as much as i used to. this really bothers me. actually this bothers me a great deal. of course when rachel came here, we got carried away laughing at something which i'm sure was ridiculous and didn't deserve that amount of racous laughter, but, as i was wiping the tears out of my eyes and fighting back nausea because we had laughed so much, i realised that was the first time i had laughed until i cried, like rolling-on-my-floor-trying-not-to-puke laugh until i cry. for me, this is sad. its not because nothing funny ever happens here, because lord knows it does, but...its just a part of me that doesn't get to be shown here. actually its the part of myself that i like the most, its the part i depend on the most...it bothers me that i don't see it here. maybe that's my own fault...i'm not sure.

i know that coming to taiwan was the right decision, and i'm so glad i did it. i wouldn't change or trade a second of the time i've had here and can't wait to see what the next five months have in store. however, i wonder if i can keep going through life making slap decisions and just crossing my fingers that they turn out well. i figure that my luck will eventually run out, so its time i started trying to act like an adult and think things out and try to make an actual decision, with reasoning and stuff, instead of just choosing what sounds good at the time.

i think i already know the choice i'm going to make and the reasons why, but for some reason, i'm waiting for something to tell me to do the opposite. what does that mean? eh...