i am writing now from a very strange place. not a physical location of course, i am still sitting in my couch in my apartment...but emotionally.

the past week was amazing! it was chinese new year and rachel was here to visit! much madness ensued of course...a bunch of americans trapsing around taiwan together always causes madness ;) especially when they have the sense of humour of 12 year old boys and love to speak in ridiculous british accents, quoting eddie izzard as loudly as possible on the train. i won't even attempt to explain the whole trip, but suffice it to say that walking around sun moon lake like mary and joseph looking for a place to stay, almost getting flung out of a bus, speaking very hilarious chinese, chasing trains, and swimming everywhere because it was so rainy are only the tips of the iceberg. IT WAS INSANE :) in a very good way! pics to follow very soon :)

however, i cannot even put into words what i feel now its over. first of all, i still cannot believe that we are old enough to fly across the world, to each other's own houses that we are paying for with our own money by ourselves. i remember the days of having to beg my parent's to drive me to boiling springs on friday nights so i could go to the huge posse sleepovers we used to have at rachel's house, and then her parents taking us to eat somewhere, having to be quiet, etc. now i am the one making the rules and calling the shots...so that was very weird. also, it was very weird to meet a friend from america in taiwan. i haven't eaten that much american food or spoken that kind of english since i've been here. today, when i took her back to the airport, i realised that i do in fact live here. i was sending her back to america. that was about the most surreal feeling i have ever felt. sending someone "home" to america and i am still here. in my home, taiwan. WHAT. after she left i just literally stood there for a few minutes, trying to figure out what was going on~ if all that had really just happened and where was i and wait, how was i going to get home? etc.

living in taiwan on my own has really taught me a lot- i have to rely on myself to do anything, and i have also really learned to depend on and trust the kindness of others. to be honest, half the time i have no idea what the heck i'm doing- i am just pretending to. that works suprisingly well most of the time. but there are times- like today when i was standing in the middle of the airport like a huge moron trying to figure out what the heck to do- when i wonder how i ever accomplish anything. spending this week with rachel has also revealed to me how much i have adapted to and fallen in love with life in taiwan. it was very bizarre to be the tour guide/translator, and to proudly show off the food, and landmarks, and tell the backstory to everything. i felt so happy when explaining this and that about hsinchu city, and so proud when explaining about taipei 101. things are so easy for me now here...and i have come to really love the life and the people and the culture and the food and hey, sometimes even the weather.

however, march 19 is coming faster and faster...i have to decide on that date about my contract for next year: to stay or go. this is the hardest decision i have ever been faced with, and i am literally split right down the middle and losing sleep over it. i am so so afraid of making the wrong decision. i am so afraid that life is going to get boring and that i'm going to have to be a boring grown-up who just goes to work and comes home everyday. i am horrified of this. in taiwan everything, even something as mundane and banal as going to buy the week's provisions, is an adventure. i am completely on my own here, completely self-sufficient. i can come and go as i please. i am the only one i have to answer to. i call my own shots. i love travelling to new places and meeting new people and living life in a way that i'm not used to...but that also goes both ways. sometimes its so frustrating to not be fully understood no matter what language you are speaking, sometimes i just want a fork and some tea with sugar in it, i want to turn on the tv and be able to understand all of it (or watch tv land!), i want to see my family and friends, I WANT TO GO SALSA DANCING SO BAD I CAN'T STAND IT...i mean for every reason i can think to stay, i can think of one to go. i have no idea where my life is headed and this is also scary.

bah, i hate being "grown up." maybe i don't know where i'm going because i don't know where i want to go: "when a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind." ~seneca