sigh

i've been in taiwan for seven weeks. wow. welcome to stage 2 of culture shock, ladies and gentlemen.

today two people named emily have said things to me that have stuck with me, and i will share them if for no other reason than that its 1am and i can't sleep. the first emily was my dear friend emily jackson, and the second was my sister.

ok, first emily's comment: 'i feel like we spend most of our lives moving on and then missing.' for some reason when i read this i burst into tears. how true! it seems sometimes like i have to work so hard to love things, and love being places, and then right as i think things cant get any more amazing, i have to move on. then i spend the rest of my time missing. is this how life is supposed to be? sometimes im really not sure. i think back to all the stages of my life and how hard the beginnings are. moving to uni (man that sucked at first), going to england (that sucked even more at first), student teaching (which didnt suck...it was just really hard in the beginning!), the beginning of the second year in the ihouse...i think of all the tears i have shed in new beginnings. sooooo many. too many! then the suckiness wears off, i become mega-attached, and then the end comes and the end amount of tears is directly proportional to the amount from the beginning. anyone who has ever been to the airport with me on any given day in may knows this is true! taiwan has had a rough beginning. culture shock is hard. i miss my friends. i miss the i-house more than i have ever missed anything in my entire life. the culture shock is taking over and making me think things that arent true and making me want to/not want to do things that i wouldnt normally. but, i am trying to get myself to the point of being able to move on and miss things in a good way. right now, missing hurts. i guess its supposed to, but i am trying to get to the point where i can move on by actually moving on. i never learned how to do that.

tonight i was chatting with my sister. it is hard for me to not to be outrageously envious of her--she is in college--second year. the good life. the life i wish i could live forever! anyway, we were just chatting about this and that. she said 'i saw *** and ***** and it just seems like you should be with them.' (those are the names of two international students that i wont mention for certain purposes ;) again i burst into tears. the two people she mentioned are doing their degrees at uncg and are/were dear friends of mine. i dont know why that caused me to start sobbing...but i kind of felt like she was right! i should be with them! i wish i was with them!

i am glad i'm in taiwan. i love it sooooooooo much here! but anyone who has ever expatriated themselves to a place that is completely foreign to them knows that despite your best intentions and your real feelings, culture shock can take over and make you into a crazy conglomeration of emotions that come and go every second of every day. i feel like i still have so much of myself in so many places...still in lattimore, greensboro and the ihouse, england, here in taiwan...

sometimes i feel like my life is nowhere because its everywhere.